Rules to Live By: A Baker's Dozen

The following is a brief compilation of thirteen lessons, or observations if you will, that I have discovered (often the hard way, mind you) during my ever so brief journeys through this world of ours. Perhaps you may benefit from them, find them vaguely amusing, or merely consider them fodder to further the argument that I, indeed, am suitable to be committed. (And by that I mean given permanent residence in the room with the fluffy, padded walls.)


1) Corsets are remarkably uncomfortable items of wardrobe, yet they seem to provide handy places for the storage of small items (i.e. a lighter, a five dollar bill, a phone number scratched on a scrap of paper, a hair clip, etc.).

2) Avoid drinking excessive quantities of wine on an empty stomach. Or after large quantities of soda. It's just not pretty. You may laugh about it later, but it's still not pretty.

3) When the phone company says they are going to cut-off your service because you haven’t paid your phone bill in a couple of months….they actually mean it. (Really. They’re not kidding. Trust me on this one.)

4) Never let people know just how much you really know. That way, when you do something well, they’ll be pleasantly surprised.

5) Patience is a virtue…..as is silence.

6) Don’t ever try to outsmart kids. They’re smarter than we are. They’ll figure you out every time.

7) If you’re going to give your cat a pill, make sure to wear some sort of protective clothing on your hands and arms. I highly recommend a good pair of industrial rubber gloves. They’re strong AND durable.

8) Humor at the expense of others is okay, provided that they never really get the joke in the first place.

9) Don’t try to fix your computer unless you really know what you’re doing, because in the long run you’ll only manage to screw things up more and then have to ask someone who actually knows a thing or two about computers to fix it.

10) Cops have no sense of humor. (Actually some do, but most of them don’t….so don’t try. It’ll only make things worse.)

11) Comfortable shoes. Comfortable shoes. Comfortable shoes.

12) Chocolate covered espresso beans are NOT candy. Eating too many of them will mess you up.

13) Never threaten your boss with offers from other employers who would a) compensate you better for your work, b) more value your input, or c) recognize you for the industrious wonder that you truly are…unless you already have your next job lined up. (I’ve never tried this personally, but I’ve heard some morbidly funny stories…)