Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You Probably Think This Post is About You...

(File under "Installment No. 3")

I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but it did. Let there be no mistake on DID happen. Now, as to whether or not it happened suddenly -- a sort of wake up and there it is kind of thing -- or whether a slow progression...that is debatable. But, let us all rest assured IT DID HAPPEN.

"What happened?" you ask?

I'll tell you.

The entire world has lost its collective mind.

Now, I don't mean that statement to be taken lightly. This is no jest .... oh no, indeed. I assure you that I am entirely serious and sober on this one, if not also a little enraged. Something has transpired over an indeterminable amount of time that has changed the very core of humanity, itself (if it can even still be addressed by that title).

Take for example the increased number of wreckless drivers on the road. They have begun to multiply like roaches. People jetting along at well over 80 mph, swerving in and out of busy traffic, cutting off other motorists and, more often than not, nearly clipping a bumper or two in the process. If you haven't noticed the recent rise in such incidents, then you need to pull your head out of your ass, get off your f---ing cell phone, and start actually watching the road. (And if that last sentence applies to you, you're a dimwit.)

Have people lost track of just how deadly such dangerous traffic pursuits can be? Or are they so self-enamored and unconscious of the needs of anyone other than their own selfish selves that they simply cannot value safety and the lives of other human beings? Chances are, I don't care why.... why doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that the same selfish prick who nearly clipped my front bumper yesterday while playing "car tag" with another out of control speeder is soon going to learn just how painful momentum can be. At 80 to 90 mph on a busy freeway, there really won't be a need to call an ambulance if you slam that overpriced "five star safety rating" vehicle into the fricking coroner and tell him to bring a garbage bag and a shovel.

Hey, Speed Racer, I don't give a shit if your life is so worthless that you don't mind dying on the highway, but I'd rather that you end your miserable existence in the privacy of your own home with a shotgun where you can keep me the hell out of it. You hate life? Fine. Don't take it out on me. And DON'T...I repeat...DON'T EVER put the life of myself or anyone I love on the line because you feel the "need for speed". Because, Mario Andretti Wannabe, I can promise you this right now: if your wrecklessness ever brings harm to anyone I care about, you'd better die upon impact, because if you don't, you're definitely going to wish you had.

Furthermore, for those of you with overpriced luxury cars who think that your time is so much more important than everyone else's to the point that you can drive on the shoulders, cut people off, fail to yield when signs instruct you to do so, break traffic rules, speed, and generally fuck up the commute of everyone else on the road....KISS OFF, A--HOLES! I don't care who you are or how f---ing much money you paid for your're still nobody. You're not even worth the over-inflated price tag of your vehicle. Driving a [insert obnoxious vanity brand here] does not make you better than anyone else, so quit acting under the assumption that you "own" the road. Oh, and to the obnoxious older woman in the Benz who broke at least for traffic laws just to get five spaces ahead at the light on the access road for Main St. in Grapevine, that means YOU! You suck! If I were a cop I would have impounded your car for that wreckless act of driving treachery. AND I would have revoked your license indefinitely. I don't care where you were going NOR how late the accident [caused by another careless jackass in a hurry, no doubt] on 121 may have made you, your time is still NOT more valuable than anyone else's.

Of course, I'd have sat on my horn to tell you just what I thought of your (again) wreckless act of driving treachery, but chances are there's someone else on the road who'd likely shoot me. Drivers are getting more and more dangerous, and by that I mean they're arming themselves to the teeth. Are people really so out of control that they will (again) end someone's life over a traffic incident? Give me a f---ing break!!! That's not only ridiculous, it's inexcusable. Every life has value, granted some lowlife rotten evil-hearted worthless twisted warts (e.g. Charles Carl Roberts IV) may be unfit to co-exist in society with other people -- any people, actually. But that doesn't mean he should be shot in the head for cutting someone off or honking his horn at a stop sign. (Granted some people may consider cases like Mr. Roberts' debatable...and I won't delve into that discussion here.)

School shootings, while we're on the subject. Again, Mr. Roberts, what the hell was going on there? NOBODY saw this coming? NOBODY had a damned CLUE that he was on the verge of breaking? COME ON! I've seen less bullshit while standing smack-dab in the middle of a manure factory. Acquaintances stated he was troubled. End of story. Anyone close to him who did nothing to get him to a safe location where he could not harm anyone is guilty of negligence and should be considered an accessory to the crime. As for WHY he did what he did....I don't care. I don't want to understand anyone who could commit such a deranged act, especially one that was so obviously premeditated. There IS no LOGIC to it, people! Therefore, you simply CANNOT make sense of it. Quit trying to understand the motive behind the crime. I don't care WHY killers kill. When this society quits making excuses for criminals and the acts they commit, chances are our justice system will be a lot more effective.

I don't regret that we no longer have a chance to study Roberts' mind to figure out what drove him to this point. Neither do I regret that he will never see his own children again. I only regret that Roberts wasn't put down by a police gun squad before he had a chance to harm those innocent girls.

And for those of you out there who may be screaming "foul" or "hypocrisy".... SCREW YOU. It's because of YOUR bleeding hearts that crimes like these aren't punished to the fullest extent. Likely you weren't held enough by your parents as a child. Or maybe you had one too many ass beatings and it's left you mentally or emotionally scarred. Once again, I don't care. But crimes should be punished. And I guaran-frickin'-tee that if Charles Carl Roberts had survived his self-inflicted injuries, there'd be a long line of you anti-corporal punishment morons picketing for his rights to be understood as a "victim". You people make me sick. Showing greater support for criminals than for the real victims. Someday you'll all learn. Oh yes. And we'll see then whose rights you're scribbling up signs and banners for, now won't we?

I could go on and on, but the point is to say merely that we (as humans all inhabiting this tiny blue planet) are on the verge of catastrophe. We are nearing the point of no return, and if something is not done to turn the tide soon, then [to quote the Phantom of Music] "disaster beyond your imagination will occur."

There is far too much aggression in this world and, unfortunately, it is perhaps the most contagious disease we face. Anger spreads faster than wildfire and it is tearing our world apart. It's almost the perfect model for a conspiracy theorist: Infiltrators seek to destroy country from within by turning its own people against each other. Sounds eerily possible, hmm? Regardless, I fear that everyone is and will continue to be touched by this disease. This epidemic that has already spun out of control.

Perhaps we all need to go back to a more archaic mode of thinking and remind ourselves daily:

The world is changing for the worse. I refuse to let it change me, as well.

Start with yourself and make changes to be:

- less selfish
- less aggressive
- less hateful
- less jealous
- less petty
- less ignorant
- less unaware
- less vain

Otherwise, the world is already lost to us.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Taking Sides....

There are at least two sides to everything....

For example:

A coin has both a heads side and a tails side.

A teeter-totter has an upside and a downside.

A piece of fabric has a right side and a wrong side.

(The same goes for a political debate.)

A nail file has a smooth side and a rough side.

Underwear has a front side and a back side.

The force has a dark side and a light side.

A battery has a positive side and a negative side.

A Mini Wheat has a frosted side and a plain side.

When you put all that together you get....

....well....nothing really.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Installment No. 2 (My Thoughts on Mountains)

You know, I've most certainly never had anything against mountains. Really. It's true. I find them fascinating geological features that are simultaneously awe-inspiring and thought-provoking, noting that they often disclose clues to just how the world as we know it came into being. I love them more than key lime pie and roller skates. Blanket them with snow and I love them even more...raking them right up there with the old-fashioned Elmer's Paste that used to come in a jar with the little plastic dipstick applicator. Mountains rock (no pun intended, heh heh). And now that we've established my basic feelings on these enormous landmark features, let me state the following: If you want mountains, head on over to Colorado or the Appalachians, because I sure am damn tired of seeing them around here.

What is this, you say? Have I finally truly gone off the deep end? Am I so far off the beaten path now that even the bread crumb trail I left behind has been consumed by crows? HA! Hardly the case. Feel free to read on for clarification...

As you all well know, I live in Texas...DFW to be exact. And as any local can tell you, there aren't supposed to be mountains here. In fact, there aren't supposed to be ANY geological features that would be considered as more than simple molehills. There may be a few notably deep creek beds and some pretty impressive terrain [hills and elevations] around some of the (man-made) lakes that dapple the area map, but I can assure you, without any lack of certainty, that there aren't supposed to be any damned mountains 'round here. Call up Dr. Breyer, my old Intro to Geology Professor and he can confirm these statements.

So where are these mountains of which I speak, you ask? Heh, they're everywhere. Just recently, I was befuddled by a situation in which a few persons with whom I have an acquaintance pointed to one of the local molehills and declared, "Why, thar be a mountain!" Believe it. It's true. And the ruckus created by this statement ended up wasting countless hours contacting the local Land Management organization to have said molehill measured, surveyed, documented, rated, and ultimately proclaimed as, indeed, nothing but a molehill. Countless hours wasted. Time and effort which could have been spent doing something a) necessary, b) more entertaining, c) pointless but fun. But NO-O-O-O. Instead said time was spent with the geologic survey team disproving a statement made both in haste and heat of passion.

So...What can we learn from this? That mountains are great. I love 'em to pieces. But in order to prevent detracting from the awe-inspiring beauty and grandeur of true mountains, let's not race about, pointing our fingers and shouting, making mountains out of molehills, when everyone knows better. If ya wanna see mountains, baby, get your John-Denver-lovin'-Aspenglow-mountain-mama-ass to Colorado, West Virginia, or the Great Smokey Mts. in Kentucky. I've got maps, should you need direction.

Thank you.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Installment No. 1

I've noticed a few things since my last post so very long ago. Should you desire to offer me your patience, I would gladly share these simple observations with you, my cherished reader and friend, [your name here].

First off, on the topic of blogging. It's not a way of life, people. Nor is it a religion, path to enlightenment, treatment for the overly mundane....neither is it a way to achieve super cool-dom. It's a web log. Dammit. And that's all. So, those of you who gallivant here and there, bragging about your BLOG and converting this new addition to the English vocabulary into verb conjugations every which way but loose...GET A LIFE! It's a web log. An outlet for those who wish to inform/rant/entertain/keep in touch. Blog ownership does not a cool dude make. The ability to inform/rant/entertain/ad nauseum, however, DOES. As is true with most aspects of our waking world, it's the contents--not the packaging--that makes something fabulous. (Those of you spending a small/large fortune on cosmetic surgery take note.) So, if you think that you're hip or cool just because you have a blog, you might want to consider moving out of your parents' house (you thirty-something freeloaders), getting your own job, and using that money to buy yourselves a clue.

That having been said, what's the deal with advertisement messages being left on blogs now? Here's a message to all those whacked out morons who use blog message space to advertise to otherwise disinterested individuals:

If I was interested in your cheap, lame-ass, boring as hell, scam-you-and-leave-you-broke websites, I'd have already looked them up. The fact that I haven't should automatically inform you that I'd be more interested in sewing up the holes in my old athletic socks while watching re-runs of Laverne and Shirley than checking out your pathetic, advertised websites. Quit wasting my time and energy posting your "I read your blog and found it inquisitive*...You might like my website as well...please click here to view my website..." responses to my posts. INQUISITIVE?!?! What the hell? Does that fool even know what the f**k that word means? Given the context and usage, I daresay he does NOT. Honestly, if you're going to try to con me into viewing your porn-related, virus-infected, identity-theft-motivated least get a fricking education first! JEEZ! At least that way I might feel tempted to nibble on the bait left behind by an intellectual wizard who wants to rip me off or offend me. Got it people?


All that ranting is a bit taxing, really. But I'm hardly finished. (Those of you who haven't eaten recently, you might want to take a break and grab some chips or something to keep up your strength. This could take a while.)

Gas prices. They're out of control. And I'm fed up. So here's a message to all the fat-cat gas company CEO's: If you want us all to switch over to electric cars, just keep jacking up the gas prices, assholes. Better yet, I'm just going to quit driving altogether. How about I start up my own scam website (I can get some tips from the turds who posted replies to my blogs), grow my own vegetables, and raise chickens in the yard so that I never have to leave my home again. No more driving....and that means no more of my money in your already over-stuffed pockets. WAKE UP! You're screwing up the economy!!! Here's a simple, cost-effective solution: We, the consumer, grab the gas company CEOs by their balls (literally) and squeeze until their eyes tear up. When they beg for relief, we tell them the following: "Doesn't feel good, does it? Neither does three dollars a gallon! Drop the prices and we'll both feel better."

...This appears as though it is going to take a while, so I've made an executive decision to break it down into installments. Consider this edition "Installment no. 1" and look for future installments to come. (Kind of gives you something to look forward to, now doesn't it? Kind of like paying taxes or getting an enema.) In all honesty, I've decided to break it up for several reasons.

1) I've got a lot to say. It's been a while. So long, in fact, that it took me several tries to recall my access information just to log in and post this horrific message. Installments will give me the encouragement I need to get back into the swing of updating this monstrosity on a regular basis.

2) Nothing sucks more than endless ramblings that go on and on and on....without a break. Plus, installments are a great method for increasing reader anticipation. "Oooh, I wonder what's coming up. Egad! The anticipation is killing me!" You get the point.

3) I actually have a life. And I need to get back to it, rather than slouching over my laptop. (I suggest you do the same, by the way. Get out and soak up some sunlight, you pale, soft, expressionless, fishbelly-complected blog-reader. Go ahead. It'll be good for you.)