Thursday, May 11, 2006

Installment No. 1

I've noticed a few things since my last post so very long ago. Should you desire to offer me your patience, I would gladly share these simple observations with you, my cherished reader and friend, [your name here].

First off, on the topic of blogging. It's not a way of life, people. Nor is it a religion, path to enlightenment, treatment for the overly mundane....neither is it a way to achieve super cool-dom. It's a web log. Dammit. And that's all. So, those of you who gallivant here and there, bragging about your BLOG and converting this new addition to the English vocabulary into verb conjugations every which way but loose...GET A LIFE! It's a web log. An outlet for those who wish to inform/rant/entertain/keep in touch. Blog ownership does not a cool dude make. The ability to inform/rant/entertain/ad nauseum, however, DOES. As is true with most aspects of our waking world, it's the contents--not the packaging--that makes something fabulous. (Those of you spending a small/large fortune on cosmetic surgery take note.) So, if you think that you're hip or cool just because you have a blog, you might want to consider moving out of your parents' house (you thirty-something freeloaders), getting your own job, and using that money to buy yourselves a clue.

That having been said, what's the deal with advertisement messages being left on blogs now? Here's a message to all those whacked out morons who use blog message space to advertise to otherwise disinterested individuals:

If I was interested in your cheap, lame-ass, boring as hell, scam-you-and-leave-you-broke websites, I'd have already looked them up. The fact that I haven't should automatically inform you that I'd be more interested in sewing up the holes in my old athletic socks while watching re-runs of Laverne and Shirley than checking out your pathetic, advertised websites. Quit wasting my time and energy posting your "I read your blog and found it inquisitive*...You might like my website as well...please click here to view my website..." responses to my posts. INQUISITIVE?!?! What the hell? Does that fool even know what the f**k that word means? Given the context and usage, I daresay he does NOT. Honestly, if you're going to try to con me into viewing your porn-related, virus-infected, identity-theft-motivated least get a fricking education first! JEEZ! At least that way I might feel tempted to nibble on the bait left behind by an intellectual wizard who wants to rip me off or offend me. Got it people?


All that ranting is a bit taxing, really. But I'm hardly finished. (Those of you who haven't eaten recently, you might want to take a break and grab some chips or something to keep up your strength. This could take a while.)

Gas prices. They're out of control. And I'm fed up. So here's a message to all the fat-cat gas company CEO's: If you want us all to switch over to electric cars, just keep jacking up the gas prices, assholes. Better yet, I'm just going to quit driving altogether. How about I start up my own scam website (I can get some tips from the turds who posted replies to my blogs), grow my own vegetables, and raise chickens in the yard so that I never have to leave my home again. No more driving....and that means no more of my money in your already over-stuffed pockets. WAKE UP! You're screwing up the economy!!! Here's a simple, cost-effective solution: We, the consumer, grab the gas company CEOs by their balls (literally) and squeeze until their eyes tear up. When they beg for relief, we tell them the following: "Doesn't feel good, does it? Neither does three dollars a gallon! Drop the prices and we'll both feel better."

...This appears as though it is going to take a while, so I've made an executive decision to break it down into installments. Consider this edition "Installment no. 1" and look for future installments to come. (Kind of gives you something to look forward to, now doesn't it? Kind of like paying taxes or getting an enema.) In all honesty, I've decided to break it up for several reasons.

1) I've got a lot to say. It's been a while. So long, in fact, that it took me several tries to recall my access information just to log in and post this horrific message. Installments will give me the encouragement I need to get back into the swing of updating this monstrosity on a regular basis.

2) Nothing sucks more than endless ramblings that go on and on and on....without a break. Plus, installments are a great method for increasing reader anticipation. "Oooh, I wonder what's coming up. Egad! The anticipation is killing me!" You get the point.

3) I actually have a life. And I need to get back to it, rather than slouching over my laptop. (I suggest you do the same, by the way. Get out and soak up some sunlight, you pale, soft, expressionless, fishbelly-complected blog-reader. Go ahead. It'll be good for you.)