BEYOND THUNDERDOME (Part I)

(Because Waking Up is Hard to Do)


I can be a realist at times (no, really it's true), so I'm highly aware that the chances of this message actually reaching its target audience are pretty bleak. And I'm also vastly aware of the reason why: people in this audience just don't want to hear it. Most of them are snugly settled in the deepest throes of their euphoric sleep, and are either not ready to wake up and hear the unsettling messages I have to share with them, or they simply don't want to believe that something could be wrong (and therefore needs to be fixed...which means work).

I know all of this because I, too, was once a proud, card-carrying member of this non-exclusive club (we can call it the "See How Far You Can Bury Your Head in the Sand Club" or SHFYCBYHITSC for short), and to be quite honest, I never had any intention whatsoever of rescinding my lifetime membership. I was comfortable, and (at least I thought) happy. You see, it's far more comfortable to live in a fantasy world where everything is just downright peachy. Where everyone does the right thing, not out of obligation or legislation, but out of love for our country, liberty, and God. But this fantasy world is just that: a fantasy. It doesn't exist. And whether you want to or not, it's time to wake up.

Now, I will warn you that the process of waking up WILL NOT be an easy one. It can be pretty painful, or at least it was for me. I would liken it to the five stages of death:

1. Denial: No way, man! This stuff only happens in futuristic, apocalyptic Mel Gibson movies. It could never happen in America in the 21st century! That's crazy!
2. Anger: Quit weighing me down with your negativity, dude! You're killing my buzz!
3. Bargaining: Okay, so if I agree with what you're telling me, will you just give it a rest and let me get back to staycation (see post titled "Silent No More" for definition of staycation)?
4. Depression: Tina Turner looked so hot when she went beyond Thunderdome, I don't think that look would work for me in post-apocalyptic America.
5. Acceptance: Admitting there's a problem is the first step to getting help. And the next step is working vehemently to prevent us from reaching the end of the road that we're already on.

And part of the reason why I'm reaching out to all of the lullaby innocents of the nation, is because I feel it really is that important to help you see what's happening and where we're going. The things I will be writing about now and over the course of the next couple of weeks will be highly unpopular. But it's not my goal right now to make you feel good. Let's fix the problem first, then we can all go back to holding hands around the campfire while singing Kumbayah.

Okay?

We are currently living in a time of swift, volatile change. And this change is sweeping through our country like the strong wind that precedes a great storm. With every gust (legislation passed in Washington), destruction follows. It rips apart and dismantles our homes (the U.S. Constitution), it knocks over strong, sturdy trees (our individual liberties), and throws debris across our roadways (justice and due process) until we cannot pass. Yet, that is not the worst of it. The storm is still looming on the horizon, nearing slowly and ominously...and filling those who can clearly see it with absolute dread.

The storm that is coming...well, many believe it to be nothing less than a socialist revolution. And I don't mean revolution in the Paul McCartney "we all wanna change the world" sense. I mean the ugly, bloody, the end is near (!!!) kind of revolution that we've seen before in our history books. The ones that made us shudder and wonder just why no one did anything to stop them.
That kind of revolution.

Call me crazy if you want. I'm sure many people will. In fact, I believe I implied to my husband (God love him) that he had gone off the deep end when he initially tried to tell me some of this same stuff (you know...the stuff I didn't want to hear). At one point I even told him that he would have to stop -- just stop -- mid-conversation because I just couldn't handle what he was saying. And he stopped. And in the brief silence that followed, everything began to seep in and make sense. I was finally awake, too.

So, by this point you're likely wishing that I was less verbose and more skilled at jumping right to the point. Sorry. That's not how I was made. If our imperfect education system taught me anything, it was a knack for flair and long, complex sentences filled with zappy adjectives, casual chit-chat, and the occasional impressive, frilly word. I may also have a tendency to love the sound of my own voice and the eloquence of each of my carefully typed words as they grace the screen of my computer monitor. Ah, aren't they just magnificent? But I digress.

America today faces a lot of challenges, both internal and external.

Our government refuses to pass immigration reform laws that would better secure our borders both to the north and south at a time when it is becoming critical to do so. Terrorists are easily able to cross our lax borders into our country where they can sit and wait for instructions from their higher ups. You think Islamist terrorists don't still want to kill us? Well, why don't you pour yourself a nice, steaming cup of get real tea and sit down with a copy of Al-Zarqawi--Al Qaeda's Second Generation (which describes a seven step, twenty year plan to establish Islamic rule right here in America). And if that isn't enough to keep you laying awake, restless in your bed at night, consider this: the Mexican economy is on the verge of collapse, which means that our loosely controlled borders could soon be flooded with the influx of hundreds of thousands (if not more)desperate illegal immigrants.

Nationalized health care is on the horizon, spearheaded by our current administration. This is just another fancy word for socialized medicine, which is what our neighbors to the north and across the Atlantic endure. Health care for everyone is great, right? Wrong. It leads to health care for no one...well except for members of a privileged elite class for whom none of the rules apply. Why is socialized medicine bad? Try this on for size: the people of Great Britain have become so hopeless in waiting for dental services under socialized dentistry that they've begun pulling out their own teeth. Don't believe me? Try googling "Britains pulling out their own teeth" and see what all pops up. And that's only the beginning...the list of problems in endless, and to do real justice to it, I will have to dedicate an upcoming blog to the topic of socialized medicine alone. (Oh, and you can rest assured that I will.)

Government takeovers of banks and national private companies have already begun, and our own Timothy Geitner seems to have no problem with doing so. What he does have trouble with is answering the questions offered by Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, who asked him several times in Congressional hearings just where in the U.S. Constitution the power to take ownership of private banks is given. His blank expression seemed to imply, "Constitution? What's that?" He provided no insight whatsoever. Oh, but our current legislators have no plans of stopping after the complete and utter takeover of our banking system. GM has already been acquired. And don't worry, drivers...your warranty is good with Uncle Sam.

Environmental policies, which are the lovechild of electrical and media giant GE, are being set in place now that could completely alter the way of life as we know it. Imagine a future where your government determines whether or not you use your air conditioner just too much when the mercury rises outside...and, if so, turns off your A/C from thousands of miles away. Think it would never happen? Think again. GE already has a "smart chip" which could be installed in every new product they manufacture which would allow two-way communication between your appliances and your government. Some electric customers in other states are already receiving letters offering "free" thermostats along with details about how they could save money by allowing their electricity providers to set the temperatures in their homes. Ah, the future is near.

Corruption. See: Acorn and Glenn Beck's current research on just what the heck is going on with that organization. He explains it all far better than I would. It's worth it...I promise. And he has facts, whistle blowers, and all the scandal you could ever dream of.

And then there's Progressivism. Which is just a nice, frilly, happy way of saying absolute government control. Here's the real meat of the story...read on. We are heading toward Socialism, plainly and simply put. We can call it something else, like "nationalized this" and "nationalized that" or we can follow the trend a couple of decades ago and refer to it in a more inflammatory way as a "New World Order", but no matter what we call it, it's still socialism. I recall the old saying: Don't sprinkle sugar on crap and tell me it's candy. A lot of what is going on right now is a result of the Progressive movement, which isn't really a new thing at all. It's been around (as a defined movement, at least) since the late 1800's and has had a tendency to ebb and flow according to political, social, and international sentiment.

Now, I asked a good friend today at work just what she thought of the word "progressive". She told me it didn't sound like a bad thing...didn't it just mean progress? Moving forward? I told her that was exactly what I would have thought the word meant, too. But it doesn't.

I read a paper this afternoon written by Thomas G. West, a respected Political Science Professor, and he quoted John Burgess (a well known Progressive political scientist) who described the ideal of the Progressive movement in the following way:

"The most fundamental and indispensable mark of statehood [is] the original, absolute, unlimited, universal power over the individual subject, and all associations of subjects."

Feel free to read that quote a few more times and allow it to fully sink in, because it's a very important statement.

Progressives are about absolute control over each and every aspect of each and every citizen's life. Sound familiar? It should. It was why we spent so much of our time and resources fighting against the Soviet Union and the spread of communism.

(Are you awake now?)

So, over the course of the next couple of weeks, I intend to educate you further on the origins, history, and effects of the Progressive Movement in our country. For those of you who are already well versed on this topic, you are more than welcome to CLEP out of this current coursework and proceed to the next level. The rest of you: pay attention, because this matters.

If You Want it, Come and Take it...

(But I Promise it Won't Be Easy)

"The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed" [Amendment II, Bill of Rights]

This past January, a bill was introduced in Congress that would greatly affect a large number of Americans. This was not the first time such a bill was proposed in Washington, because many passionate activists have spent their entire careers working toward such legislation. However, most Americans didn't hear a word about it. This particular piece of legislation flew way under the radar, shielded from sight by the frenzy of big government spending, earmarks, and partisan bickering.

I'm writing, of course, of HR 45, which is titled Blair Holt's Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act of 2009. This proposed act was introduced in the House on January 6th by Congressman Bobby Rush, who (ironically) served a six month prison sentence in 1969 for illegal possession of firearms. Two of the four described purposes of this bill -- and I'm quoting directly from the text of the Act itself -- is to accomplish the following:

1) to protect the public against the unreasonable risk of injury and death associated with the unrecorded sale or transfer of qualifying firearms to criminals and youth;

and

3) to restrict the availability of qualifying firearms to criminals, youth, and other persons prohibited by Federal law from receiving firearms

Okay, America...did you get that last part? Go back and read it again if you need to. It's okay. I'll wait right here while you do it. Yeah. That whole part about how we need new regulations to restrict guns getting into the hands of those who are already "prohibited by Federal law" from having them.

Oh God. This could get ugly. I might have to break out the M&M's (in our home, we call them "medicine") to get through it.

Now, before I get into some of the details of these proposed regulations, I would like to provide you with a brief and serious bit of history about the person for whom this Act is named. Blair Holt was a [Chicago] Julian High School student who in May of 2007 died after using his body to shield a girl from a shooting attack on a CTA bus. Blair and several other students were on their way home from school when a former JHS student boarded the bus and opened fire, injuring Blair Holt and four other students. Holt, the son of a police officer and a city firefighter who both taught him the values of courage and leadership, put himself between the shooter and a girl named Tiarra Reed to shield her from the attack. He died that same night.

The attack was perpetrated by a juvenile who had been assigned to alternative school. Though there is little information about the shooter online, what little is said reveals that the shooter was 16 year-old Michael Pace, a young gang member who had (according to sources) been tangled in a two year long dispute with another gang member. His 15-year-old friend, Kevin Jones, gave him a gun with the knowledge that he intended to use it to attempt to kill this other gang member. Both Pace and Jones were charged with the shooting, Pace for having fired the weapon, and Jones for knowingly providing the gun for the crime.

Now, Blair Holt was not only the son of a respected policeman and a firefighter mother, but also was described as an honor student and an all-around great person. While he was not the intended target of the shooting, his heroism put him directly in the line of fire and that noble trait cost him his life. That brave and noble act should never be forgotten, because people like Holt are exactly the kind of people we need more of in America. God bless him for what he did.

However, many folks like myself feel that gun control legislation is not the answer. The gun used in that particular shooting was not a legally purchased gun, nor was it lawfully owned by the person who provided it for the crime. It was an illegal handgun. And gun control legislation doesn't really affect illegal gun possession, now does it?

The state of Illinois has some of the tightest restrictions on firearms in the country. In order to purchase either firearms or ammunition, one must have a state police issued identification card (a Firearm Owner's Identification, FOID) which will only be granted if the applicant has no criminal history (including felonies and domestic violence), is not the subject of a protection order, and has not been institutionalized in a mental facility. Furthermore, Chicago requires that all firearms be registered with the local PD, and handguns cannot currently be registered unless they were registered prior to April of 1982. This, in effect, outlaws handgun ownership. Also, Cook county has banned firearm magazines that hold more than ten rounds of ammunition. Illinois does not grant permits to carry, nor does it provide peaceable journey laws.

So, with all that legislation on the books, you might wonder just how two teenagers were able to get their hands on a gun. Well, clearly the gun was not purchased from a licensed retailer, who would have required background checks and proper identification to determine whether or not they were even old enough to purchase a firearm. It's highly unlikely that they purchased the weapon at a gun show, as gun show retailers have to follow the same laws regarding age and background checks as retail stores. And that leaves us with a few alternative answers. And none of those answers involve obeying the law.

Over a decade ago (1997 to be exact), the US Department of Justice surveyed prison inmates who had committed violent crimes with a firearm to determine how they obtained the weapon for the crime for which they were currently serving time. Only 15.3% of the survey respondents admitted that they had purchased their guns at either gun stores, pawnshops, flea markets, or gun shows. Nine percent did not know how they got their guns (yeah, right) or obtained their guns via resources not listed on the survey, and 4.4% refused to answer. That leaves us with the other 71.3% of prison inmates who admitted they got their firearms via illegal methods. Nearly 21% got their guns "off the street" or from drug dealers, 9.6% from black market or a fence, and 36.8% obtained their weapon from either a friend or family member.

So, remind me again just how restricting the legal purchase of a firearm will prevent violent crimes. According to an Americans for Gun Safety report in 2003, some 20 of the 22 national firearm and gun control laws aren't even enforced. Yet, by some remarkable act of divine providence, passing more legislation will fix this problem?

Now, the Blair Holt Act would require that anyone owning a qualifying firearm apply for and be issued a firearm license which would be provided by the US Attorney General. The application for this ID(according to what is written in the proposed legislation, Section 102) would require a passport-sized photograph, the name/address/date AND place of birth of the applicant, any aliases, a thumbprint, a statement that the individual is not prohibited from owning a firearm, a certification by the applicant the firearm will be "safely stored and out of the possession of persons who have not attained 18 years of age", completion of a written firearms examination, an authorization to release to the Attorney General any and all mental health records, and a signature.

Jeez. No DNA samples? Or will the hair follicle samples be collected some time after the application is submitted?

Oh, and there's the $25 application fee, lest I forget. You gotta love those fees. And since the license has to be renewed every five years, you better believe this is yet another way Washington would try to pay for its precious pork.

This proposed legislation goes on and on for pages and pretty much puts nothing new on the table, aside from the photo ID and applicable fees. The truth is, this will only make it more challenging for honest, law-abiding citizens to purchase and maintain their firearms. And when people who obey the law no longer have access to weapons to use for self defense, the only people left who still have guns are the criminals. Do you really think the thugs on the corner are going to get all warm and fuzzy about filling out their applications with the US Attorney General? Do you think they're going to take a written test to ensure they know how to properly store and maintain their guns? Are they really going to endure background checks and waiting periods, not to mention all the mountains of paperwork?

No. They won't.

They're going to keep on doing business the way they've always done business. Under the radar and against the law. Let's not kid ourselves any longer, okay? Gun control doesn't stop gun crimes. It may prevent a small percentage -- a very, very small percentage. And you can't legislate personal responsibility or common sense. (I know... Washington's tried and tried...and you see where it's gotten us?)

The truth is, people who legally purchase a gun are typically already educated on the safety, maintenance, and storage of that gun. They have no criminal or mental histories. They do not intend to use the gun to commit a crime -- they intend to use it to prevent a crime or to prevent becoming a crime victim. And doing what is necessary within the law to ensure your and your family's personal safety...well, that (to me) is an unalienable right.

Now, having read a considerable number of the sections in this bill (as much as I could manage without having blood shoot out of my eyes), I would be remiss not to mention a couple of points that express all of the good intentions of those up in Washington. I only briefly touched on it above, but this act really, honestly wants to ensure that the average, everyday person like you or me who runs off and buys a gun actually knows how to take care of it. For example, Section 305 clearly defines how a gun owner is expected to ensure that firearms are not made accessible to any "child", child being defined as any individual who hasn't reached the age of 18. Basically, a person cannot keep a gun if it is readily available to any child who may use it, and by using it cause death or injury to himself or anyone else. But there are some exceptions. If the gun is locked up and the child still manages to gain access to it, the gun owner cannot be blamed. If the child uses the firearm in a "lawful act of self-defense" or in defending other people, that is also considered okay (despite the fact that the child was never supposed to have access to the gun to save his own life or that of others...just seems odd to me).

Here's the thing: pretty much all of the gun owners I know -- and granted, I do know a lot of pretty intelligent people, which may somewhat skew my perceptions -- already take these precautions. Even in cases where there are no children in the home, and there would be no occasions in which children would be there (visiting, holidays, etcetera), they still keep their handguns locked up in a safe manner. I asked them once why they go through so much trouble to make sure only they can access their firearms. You wanna know what they said? Because they are just being responsible people. Because it's the right thing to do.

When will the Federal government learn that you cannot legislate responsibility or common sense? People either have it or they don't. The passing of hundreds of new acts and laws every single year (most of which are never even enforced to begin with) doesn't really seem to have done much to solve the problems that society has faced over the past century. People who do the right thing continue to suffer on behalf of those who fail to do so either out of ignorance, negligence, or outright refusal. Heck, if legislation were the answer, I would be the first one to bang on Congress' door with a five-hundred page "anti-stupidity" law proposal to put in the books. But new laws just aren't the answer. Education and responsibility are.

But there's no point in telling Washington that.

They're not listening anyhow.

"Everybody Loves a ... Pandemic?"

Ah, there's nothing like a nationwide health panic to distract the common Dick and Jane from their everyday frustrations and dissatisfaction. Only two weeks ago we were all up in arms over Washington spending and over-paid, under-performing executives getting million dollar bonuses for driving their companies into the toilet.

Today... today we are mostly up in arms about the local Wal-Mart selling out of paper masks and face shields, or the fact that the guy sitting five feet from us won't cover his mouth during his endless coughing fits.

Sometimes I feel that the human race has the attention span of a nervous kitten -- one second we're all chasing the jingling fuzzy ball across the floor and the next we're craning our necks (ears rotating about like satellite dishes) to determine the cause of a horn honking five miles away.

Of course, our bi-polar mainstream media outlets do much to perpetuate the chaos and unrest. On one hand, they tell us that over 200 people have DIED in Mexico from the H1R1 virus, affectionately known as swine flu, and that thousands are currently afflicted. On the other hand, they tell us that all we have to do is wash our hands and cover our mouths when we cough. Entire school districts are closing left and right as infected students are detected (sometimes two or three students at a time) yet we have no cause for regulating our borders more closely because health officials still have yet to determine how dangerous this particular flu strain is or how it is spreading from person to person.

And don't think our current administration isn't also demonstrating schizophrenic behavior in this state of confusion. They are.

"This is obviously a cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert. But it is not a cause for alarm.” (No. 44, April 27th)

vs.

"I would tell members of my family, and I have, I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now. It’s not that its going to Mexico, it’s that you are in a confined aircraft when one person sneezes, it goes everywhere through the aircraft.” (Biden, April 30th)

Hey, America, here's a clue: it's the FLU. It may be a different strain than what many of us get inoculated against every November, but that doesn't make it any more threatening to public health. We don't panic and close down school districts every time a few students present with traditional flu-like symptoms. Or chickenpox. Or Tuberculosis, for that matter. What do we do? We send the infected children home to share their ever-loving germs exclusively with their own family members. And that's generally (and historically) all we do.

"But swine flu has already killed hundreds in Mexico and one child in Texas!" you may protest. Yup. You're right. But the more common strains of influenza (and pneumonia) kill, what, 36,000 people in America every year, doesn't it? (Or at least according to information from the CDC, it does.) And isn't it always funny how quick the press is to throw these frightening statistics out there, while failing to explain to the honest public just how the flu virus kills all those people? They don't reveal that these fatalities are most often due to complications brought on or exacerbated by the flu. A previously healthy woman contracted swine flu in 1988 and died 8 days after being admitted to a hospital. But, before you gasp in horror, know this: she died of pneumonia. Not from the swine flu, itself (though her body tested positive for H1N1 virus), but from a secondary infection. (And you know what? Hospitals are notorious for being breeding grounds of secondary infections. They're like singles bars for cooties.)

Most of the people who die after influenza infections also suffer (prior to exposure to the flu) from chronic diseases or illnesses. Asthma, pulmonary disease, congestive heart problems, diabetes, or weakened immune systems, tend to increase the mortality rate in more common strains of flu...because the health of the victim is already compromised. It is for that very reason that flu vaccines are, in years of shortages, reserved first and foremost for people who fall into those categories. If you are more at risk for complications, then it is more highly recommended that you get a flu vaccine to prevent said complications and the potential for death.

Typically healthy individuals may catch the flu, miss a few days of work, and eventually recover as though nothing ever happened to them. It's uncomfortable -- or, more honestly, miserable -- but not deadly. And, chances are, the same is true of the swine flu.

This is not the Ebola virus, America. This is not the end of life on earth as we know it. It's the flu. Most people who contract it will be fine. I repeat: YOU WILL BE FINE. Life will go on. The human race will continue to prosper. (For now.)

Now, if you do suffer a chronic illness that compromises your immune health, by all means be extra cautious. Carry hand sanitizer with you at all times and use it obsessively, avoid being around people who are sick or coughing (especially if they have a fever), and be sanitary. Wash your hands. Clean counter tops, doorknobs, pulls, handles, and anything else you and other people tend to touch with disinfectants such as Clorox or Lysol. Avoid large social gatherings if they aren't necessary, and just use common sense.

As for the rest of you healthy individuals out there who are buying up all the face/dust masks at Wal-Mart or Home Depot while begging your doctors to write unnecessary prescriptions for Tamiflu and Relenza so that you will have your own personal stockpile just in case your throat gets scratchy... CHILL OUT! Put the masks down! Or, better yet, hand them out to the people who may actually need them: asthmatics, diabetics, heart patients, or other chronic disease sufferers. You can count it as your non-deductible charitable act for the year. Your one good deed.

Oh, and another thing. For all of you who use public restrooms and walk straight from the toilet stall to the exit door: wash your damned hands, you filthy freaks. Ugh.

However, with the nationwide hysteria over what could soon be deemed by the WHO as a level 6 pandemic, I will admit there are some advantages. With all this unwarranted panic, a lot of people are opting to board themselves up in their homes to avoid exposure or infection. And do you know how that helps me out? Traffic. This morning I actually drove the 40 plus miles from home to my monthly staff meeting for work...and I never once had to slam on my brakes or idle in bumper to bumper gridlock. I made it to the meeting on time. Nice.

America, it's looking to me like pandemics may be our environmentally friendly answer to traffic-related pollution. How do you like them apples?

History Repeats Itself...Again

Today, the 44th President of the United States of America marked his first 100 days in office while speaking at a town hall meeting in St. Louis. The following statements were quoted by several media outlets:

"Those of you who are watching certain news channels on which I'm not very popular, and you see folks waving tea bags around, let me just remind them that I am happy to have a serious conversation about how we are going to cut our health care costs down over the long term, how we are going to stabilize Social Security.”

If a picture says a thousand words, then how great a vocabulary would be dispensed by watching the actual footage of the above mentioned quote? The video reveals the President's implied mockery in the mention of "folks waving tea bags" (which was accomplished with a bit of pantomime, i.e. mimicking dangling a tea bag) while the attending crowd laughed jovially at No. 44's charming sense of humor.

You know, for someone who claimed during his months of campaigning that he wanted to "bring people together", he sure has an odd way of demonstrating it. Call me crazy, but mocking nearly one million Americans who gathered together peacefully to voice their growing concerns about the direction their country is going...well, that's not really bringing them into the fold, now is it?

No. 44 spoke further regarding the protesters' grievances by stating:

"But let's not play games and pretend that the reason is because of the Recovery Act, because that is just a fraction of the overall problem that we've got."

Well, hallelujah! Ain't that the truth! Yes, while the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 is a very large part of the problem...it's not the only thing that Washington has done wrong. And tea party protesters know that.

There's quite a bit that's wrong in Washington... Such as how long it's been since legislators actually listened to the wishes of their constituents. Or how long it's been since anybody in Washington actually READ the United States Constitution. (I have a sneaking suspicion that it's missing...perhaps we should consider putting photos of it on the sides of DC milk cartons. Maybe someone will find it and return it so that we may all rest a bit easier at night.)

This evening, as I perused the Senate Roll Call votes (which you can find by clicking here: http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/vote_menu_111_1.htm) I came across a rather fascinating amendment to the ARRA which would strike out an earmark granting $246 million to Hollywood production companies.

Let me say that again, because it bears repeating.

And I will even quote the verbiage in the descriptor line of the amendment, so as to not mince words:

"To strike the $246 million TAX earmark for HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION COMPANIES"

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!

Feel free to look it up yourself. It's dubbed "Coburn Amdt No 109" / SA 109 to SA 98 to HR-1 (American Reinvestment and Recovery Act of 2009) and was voted on by the Senate on February 3rd of this year.

Now. Here's the outrageous part. That amendment which was intended to free American taxpayers of the burden of funding Hollywood production companies and their substandard propaganda-filled movies....barely passed. In the 111th Senate, only 52 -- I REPEAT -- only 52 Senators voted to strike the earmark. 45 Senators voted to LEAVE IT THERE!

I think my brain may explode.

When exactly did the American Taxpayer exclaim, boy I sure don't pay enough money already for crappy Hollywood movies...how could I possibly support these biased endeavors further? Hey, I know! Let us tax payers empty our pockets and just throw all our spare cash at Hollywood. That way they can make as many piss-poor movies they want and never have to worry about losing money on them. Yeah, that's a GREAT idea.

So, yes, No. 44, the Recovery Act is only a small fraction of the problem. Ridiculing Americans who love and wish to preserve their country is another fraction of the problem. Not representing the constituents who hired you to do your job is yet another fraction of the problem. And failure to keep our borders and national interests safe from attack, well No. 44, that's a heaping helping of that fractional pie. (We'll discuss border issues in an upcoming blog...assuming swine flu doesn't eradicate the human race from the face of the earth -- according to CNN and MSNBC we humans don't have long...it's heading your way now! Quick! Grab the Lysol and face masks!)

Now, you may be wondering just where the title of tonight's blog fits into all this ranting. Well, let's take a brief trip back in time, some 232 years ago when our nation was little more than a collection of colonies controlled by a foreign tyrant king. A group of men put together a list of grievances against King George III to explain just why he was no longer fit to rule over them. Below I have included a few particularly interesting complaints listed in the document:

"The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world....

• He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

• He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

• He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation.

• For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent.

• For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments.

• He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us.

• In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

Uncanny, don't you think?

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." --George Santayana
The Life of Reason (1905) Vol. 1 Ch. 12

"I'm not an extremist, I'm just extremely pissed off..."

Those words were spoken by my lovely and intelligent mother, who, I might add, has a gift when it comes to speaking her mind.

On April 15th of this year, she, my husband, and I loaded up my carbon-producing-environmentally-unfriendly SUV for a trip down to San Antonio for the Tax Day Tea Party. As we headed south on I-35 we tuned into Glenn Beck's morning talk show for a bit of educated entertainment, and learned of the domestic intelligence report which was originally intended only for the eyes of state and local law enforcement. That was when we first learned that a) we were extremists, b) we were a threat to national security, and c) that we would now be on a top secret government "watch list".

My mother shook her head and admitted rather casually, "I'm not an extremist...I'm just extremely pissed off." She's priceless, don't you think?

In those few words, she pretty much wrapped up how a lot of us felt on Tax Day: frustrated, ignored, and misunderstood. Most of the mainstream media that day downplayed the hundreds of thousands of Americans gathering together to peacefully speak up and defend our liberties. I suppose they thought if they didn't cover the story, we'd all just fade away like the runway fashions in last years Cosmo. It appeared Washington was employing the same strategy, after our current President admitted he was "unaware of the tea parties" going on in almost every major city across the nation. The only people listening, it seemed, were conservative and independent media outlets that provided live coverage of the events throughout the day.

However, it would seem that we caught someone else's attention.

We arrived in San Antonio after a nearly five-hour drive (including the 20 minutes we spent scouring downtown for available parking), parked the SUV, and paid the lot attendant. Then, after loading up our gear (cameras, matching T-shirts, and a 3 pound bag of M&M's that we were hoping to give to Mr. Beck), we embarked on the one mile hike to Alamo Plaza where all the events were scheduled to take place. From the distance we could hear Ted Nugent's electric guitar singing out our National Anthem, as well as a large crowd of patriots cheering him on. Our pace quickened in the hope that we might get a glimpse of Ted before his set was over... And that's when we saw it. A simple, unobtrusive white van parked around the corner from the Alamo with "Department of Homeland Security" written on the side.

They were listening.

We didn't wave as we passed by it, though all three of us were greatly tempted to do so. We joked about saving the DHS the trouble of trying to identify us via face recognition software over the coming weeks by simply walking up to the van, knocking on the windows, and introducing ourselves. But, considering the fact that government agents aren't widely known for their sense of humor, we decided against it. We simply acknowledged their presence, smiled at each other, and kept moving.

But they were there.

I wonder just what they were expecting to encounter that day (especially given the details of Nopalitano's highly inflammatory report released just prior to the tea party protests). Maybe they thought they would catch a few gun-toting, antigovernment, right-wing extremists. It is Texas, after all. Don't think you'd have to look too far and wide to find at least one of those wandering around. Perhaps they feared we would take advantage of the lack of mainstream media coverage and have open meetings to decide how and when to take down our government and create anarchy. Or perhaps they just liked Ted Nugent and sno-cones. Who knows?

While I'm not sure what they were looking for, I can tell you what they probably found. 1) Texas is warm, even in April, and especially in a van parked along a public street. 2) 20,000 people can gather together to voice their opionions to Washington without getting violent, causing destruction, or creating problems. 3) Ted Nugent still rocks. 4) Glenn Beck has quite the following. 5) People can disagree with their government and still be patriots.

In the two weeks that have passed since the April protests, tea party stories have all but waned in the media. It seems we have far more pressing matters to concern ourselves with now -- Air Force One fly-overs, the potential flu pandemic, Hugo Chavez's book of the month club selections... American patriots could quite possibly forget just what it was that drove us all into mass gatherings that day to speak our minds and be heard. While all these recent news stories are important in one way or another, let us not be distracted from our original purpose. Liberty. And justice. For all.

Our government is still spending our money without our consent. Constitutional rights are still slowly being eaten away at on a daily basis. New laws, acts, and legislative decisions are popping up all over the place that are not supported by the U.S. Constitution (does Washington really believe it can take over private businesses because they are a PERCIEVED risk to the economy?). New taxes are being presented in a new, deceitful manner under the guise of "environmental legislation" to promote a healthier planent. Cap and Trade, anyone? Who do you think will be footing the bill on that one?

Perhaps we should all continue to remind ourselves and each other just what had us all "extremely pissed off" two weeks ago.

Let's stay on track, America. Our future is depending on us.

SILENT NO MORE

I'M BA-A-A-A-A-ACK...



Yes, that's right. I'm back. Not that I ever really went away, mind you. I've been right here in the same place I always was, only things were just going so darn well and I had so many lovely distractions (engagement, wedding, wedded bliss, etc) that I found a way to briefly calm my outrage and just enjoy the symbiosis of a happy marriage. Instead of ranting wildly over all the ills of the world, I sat back with my cup of "frou-frou" flavored coffee and enjoyed watching the birds sing, the clouds dance across the sky, the Orion constellation come and go seasonally...all beside my wonderful, loving (he's truly a gift from above, I tell you) husband.


And then the world began to change...


Mind you, it didn't all happen at once. No. These changes snuck up on many people, who much like myself moseyed through life in our blissful ignorance. And these changes did not come without warning...oh, we were warned alright. But, as did many others, I thought, "Pshaw! That could never happen." We waved away those who, like John the Baptist crying out a warning to the masses in the wilderness, forewarned us of our impending doom. Yea, they told us, for the kingdom is at hand. And slowly, oh so very slowly, things did begin to happen. Then, in what could only have been a stroke of serendipity, some of us woke up. And were very, very ticked off.


Of course, we have only ourselves to blame, complacent and lazy fools that we were. We were tired of watching the news, the misery-laden reports making us all wish that we owned our own private island in Fiji or anywhere else far, far away. We gave up on reading the newspapers, because even the comic strips had lost much of their original lustre and the horoscopes and crosswords had become blasé. We opted out of talk radio on the way to and from work because we figured that listening to cheery music on our ipods would make the commute feel shorter and ease us better into our 9-5. Some of us had even mastered the art of intellectual escape, in similar fashion to Brent Leroy in a sweet Canadian TV show called Corner Gas. (Staycation: a vacation you take while staying home...it's really quite relaxing. Learn this term, as I will be using it regularly.)


And somehow, we all lost touch.


I think the wake-up call for myself came around early February. I don't even know why or how it happened, but I slowly gravitated back to awareness, forsaking my ipod for news-talk radio and decreasing my staycation time so that I could catch a few snippets here and there of real news and commentary on TV. Like a two week old puppy, my eyes began to open, and, with the passage of a couple more weeks, clear sight was mine.


Now, before I continue this rant (at which point I will drop the veil of vague analogy and explain just what exactly I'm talking about), let me tell you something about myself that you should know. I always strongly believed that there were two things you never discussed openly with people for risk of starting an undesired debate: religion and politics. Everyone who feels strongly about either of those two topics will not suddenly be enlightened by the views of the other person, no matter how clear, true, or indisputable that person's talking points may be. Chances are, someone is going to get offended or riled up at some point, and some relationships, be they casual acquaintances or close friendships, will be strained. Religion...I still feel that's off limits. People believe as they will believe and I'm not an authority to tell them one way or the other who's right and who's wrong. I may know many things, but I don't know everything. Politics, however, is back on the table. I think one of the factors that led us to where we are now is that many of us felt that it was better not to debate politics in our social arenas. There was no healthy exchange of ideas and information. No challenging why people "yea" for this and "nay" for that. Maybe that's how this came about...it's just a thought.


Tax Day was a pretty important day for many Americans this year. Important for some (myself included) who had to dig out the checkbook and pen to begrudgingly write a check to Uncle Sam. Important for others who, after putting off filing their taxes for fear of paying more into the system, discovered they had already overpaid and would receive a refund for once. And then, for at least a million Americans from coast to coast, important because it was the day we all chose to be silent no more, and gathered together to send our message to Washington. The message was clear. It was loud. It was non-violent. We declared: Stop wasting our money and stop taking away our liberties.

My husband, my mother, and I drove 280.6 miles to San Antonio to join other Americans in speaking out. We could have attended any of the local tea parties here in the DFW metroplex (and there were MANY), but we couldn't miss an opportunity to see Glenn Beck live and be part of what ended up being one of the most impressive tea parties in the country. San Antonio PD estimated the crowd at about 20,000 at its maximum, and the Police Chief was quoted as saying we were one of the best crowds he'd ever worked with. I agree with him completely. I've never been surrounded by so many good-hearted, considerate, and friendly people all at once. People made room for others to pass, helped complete strangers up and down large steps and generally looked out for each other. Being part of it all, I was deeply moved.


However, now is not the time for me to wax poetic on how that experience renewed my faith in my fellow man. I will tell you more in the very near future about my many noteworthy experiences at the SATP. But right now, it's time to get down to brass tacks.


Our country is rapidly moving in the wrong direction. What our founding fathers envisioned nearly 232 years ago is quickly becoming like a dream that fades upon waking -- slowly, slowly the details disappearing until one wonders if it was ever real at all. Liberties are being stripped from us, one by one, and unless we stand up and take back what our forefathers considered to be our "unalienable rights" they will little more than a footnote in a history text. Then history will become legend, and legend will become myth. (A little LOTR fun thrown in for those of you who recognise it.)


This country's founding fathers drafted a list of grievances against King George III of Great Britain, also known as the Declaration of Independence for those of you in Washington who seem to have forgotten, which included the following complaint: "For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent". On October 1, 2008 the US Senate voted 74 to 25 in favor of what has become popularly known as the "Bailout Bill". The House of Representatives approved it with a vote of 263 to 171 two days later. Americans from coast to coast contacted their representatives in record numbers, urging them to vote down the bill. They didn't listen. They passed the buck, so to speak, as a result of pressure from the very people who were responsible for the financial fiasco. And who do you think will be paying the more than $700 billion tab for Washington's decision? Taxpayers. You and me. People who work hard every day for an employer who would never reward them for throwing the company down the toilet. And that, my friends, is "Taxation Without Representation". Hallelujah. Where's the Tylenol?


Oh, yeah. And mainstream media, we DO know the meaning of that historic phrase. My question is: Do you?


So, here we all stand with at least two choices. We can sit idly by and watch our country slowly turn into something it was never intended to be (the United Socialist States of America, anyone?) and wait in line for our government to hand out to us whatever it deems us worthy to receive, assuming we are considered viable enough to treat medically should any of us develop a chronic or life-threatening disease. Or we can stand up, stand together, and reclaim the foundations of liberty and justice our forefathers put together after dusting themselves off from a bloody, bitter, and painful war to win their freedom from tyranny. (I'm referring to the Constitution and Bill of Rights, for those of you (again) in Washington who seem to have no recollection of that...) Those are your choices, folks. Feel free to take a moment to think about it before you decide. Should you need refreshment, I believe there's a fresh batch of Soylent Green on the table near the door. Help yourselves, comrades. There's plenty to go around.


In the mean time, I will be posting (frequently at first, and then likely tapering off as I get most of my pent-up rage vented before getting ticked off again).


Until next time...do svidanya, my friends.

How to Handle Icy Roads: A How-To Guide for Morons

Brought to You by the Moron School of Driving


Lesson 1: Slick Parking Lots

First and foremost, when dealing with icy weather conditions, your initial responsibility will be to disembark from whatever location you inhabited while the weather was changing from fair to fowl. Be this a home, apartment, brothel, nightclub, cardboard box, or any random rock out from which you may have crawled…you will undoubtedly have to move from the previously stated location to whatever mode of transportation you are using to get around (e.g. car, truck, wagon, roller skate(s), horse and buggy, ad nauseum). For sake of example, the remainder of this article will assume that said mode of transportation is a sizeable family vehicle.

Upon leaving your location and stepping out into the cold, cold parking lot, make certain that you do not slip on the slick ice that has likely placed itself between yourself and your vehicle. Unless, of course, you are disembarking from a nightclub or other financially sound establishment, in which case you may feel free to slip, slide, and reel across their carelessly untreated parking lot, as there are financial gains to be made in doing so. However, if you are the owner/renter of the location you are leaving, be mindful of your step because ice is harder than bones, and you could end up “broke” in more ways than one. (Especially true of morons.)

Once you have successfully engineered your way to your vehicle, be certain to start the ignition right away, without giving your fuel line a chance to warm up. (If you’re a true moron, you likely don’t have time for that anyway, as you would never be so foolish as to give yourself extra time in wintery weather.) Once the car is started, be sure to rev the hell out of the engine -- it is a Moron School of Driving fact that doing this will help your car and/or heater to warm up much, much faster. After giving the gas pedal a few hard stomps, throw that stick into gear and GO, BABY, GO!

Likely you will encounter a stop or two in your venture toward the street or roadway. In this case, make certain to LOCK UP YOUR BRAKES. Repeat. LOCK UP YOUR BREAKS. This will ensure a proper skid across the pavement , which is loads of fun and leaves really cool tire marks in the ice/slush. It’s just like carving your name into the desk at school, except that it is accompanied by a really nifty “swooshing” sound.

Finally, when exiting the parking lot and entering the roadway, make sure to push the accelerator all the way to the floor to ensure that you can successfully outrun the sole driver in the oncoming lane. Nobody likes a slouch, so get with the program and move your ass.


Lesson 2: On the Road

Now that you have masterfully made your way into commuter traffic, you must ensure that proper driving etiquette be followed at all times:

(a) Signal a turn either well in advance (approximately one mile prior to your designated turn) or immediately before (less than five feet), and make sure to announce your turn by repeating the “Break-Lock-Swoosh-Sound” maneuver discussed in Lesson 1. This will ensure that any nearby drivers will be aware of your presence and make room for your actions. Once you have completed your turn and/or lane change, be mindful to leave your turn signal on a while longer to notify drivers of your original location, in the event that you should have to return to it with unannounced promptness.

(b) Share your driving experience with others. This can be done by way that modern and necessary invention: the cellular telephone. The Moron School of Driving recommends that you be on the phone at all times when on the road, to ensure that you never travel alone. This is also convenient in the event of a mishap, as the person on the other end can signal for help to meet you should things go awry. Now, while you could opt to utilize a hands-free attachment on your phone, such as an earbud, bluetooth earpiece, or other device, most Moron School of Driving graduates find these to be a put-off and pretentious. Nobody likes a smartypants, after all, and employing the use of these newfangled items is like telling the world you’re too hoity-toity to be a “hands on” individual. Therefore, when at all possible, holding your cellular telephone in your hand while driving is the moron-approved manner of sharing your driving experience. It also makes you look really cool and important to other drivers on the road!

(c) When coming upon notably large patches of ice, be sure to first depress your accelerator to the floorboard as much as possible and then, upon reaching the ice patch, lock up your breaks (again, as mentioned in Lesson 1 and previously in Lesson 2). This will enable you to “skate” across said patch of ice with the same grace and class as Tonya Harding (ah, the epitome of elegance). If you should happen to be surrounded by other drivers during your “lock-skate” action, do not fret. The other drivers’ vehicles are equipped with steering wheels and brakes for that very reason. Upon noting that you are a graduate of the Moron School of Driving, they will make certain to move out of your way and grant you plenty of space on the road. Note: Patch Skating, as we so lovingly refer to it, will be covered in even greater detail in Lesson 3: Bridges and Overpasses, so please be sure to read on.

(d) Fishtailing. This most highly entertaining maneuver is fun for both yourself and the other drivers who share the road with you. Who doesn’t enjoy a little adrenaline-pumping adventure now and then, right? Everyone does, silly! Of course they do! And what better way to ensure everyone has a great time in transit than to fishtail your way across any ice-covered roads. It’s like an amusement park in the seat of your very own car! Hey, if it’s good enough for fish, then who says it’s not good enough for you, too. And once the other drivers witness what a grand time you’re having at the wheel, it’s all but certain that they will jump in and join the fun as well. Before you know it, everyone around you will be slip-sliding around, having the grandest time, and you’ll be the one to thank for it all. What a way to spread the cheer.

(e) Skidding is a common experience in slick-roadway driving, especially if you have followed the instructions in letter “d” above. However, the Moron Driving School will be the first to tell you that a skid can quickly go from fun to frightening if you’re not careful and fail to follow the moron-approved instructions provided here. First and foremost, when entering into a skid, made sure to TURN AWAY from the direction of the skid. Repeat. TURN AWAY FROM the DIRECTION of the SKID. No one wants to go the wrong direction, and the same is true when the rear of your car moves in opposition to the front of your car. Step two is to LOCK ‘EM UP. Lock your breaks so that your wheels stop turning. This will not stop them from moving across the ice, but it will ensure that you are no longer responsible for where they go after that. (Keep that last statement in mind, should your auto insurance provider request details of your actions at any time.) If all else fails, you may end up facing the other direction. If that should be the case, you’ll likely be worn out from your escapades and need to head back home for a little unwinding time. Go ahead. Call your boss, or whoever else may be awaiting your arrival, and inform them of the situation (making sure to use proper hand-to-ear phone etiquette) as you return home for the day.

Lesson 3: Bridges and Overpasses

This is always the most highly sought after section of our winter-weather driving section, as it provides you with plenty of “gusto” to get you over that overpass. Following the Moron School of Driving’s recommended actions will leave others in both wonder and awe of your mastery of vehicular movement on the roads.

Most importantly, when coming upon an iced-over bridge or overpass, remember the fundamental law of inertia: an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. The greater the momentum, however, the less likely that any outside force will impede your progress. Therefore, you should make certain to tackle these suspended concrete appendages with courage and plenty of speed.

Since most bridges tend to be straight in nature, feel free to gun your engine as much as possible prior to entering in order to ensure that you can skate efficiently across it without interruption. (Any questions on this method should be referred back to the previous sections of Lesson 2 regarding Patch-Skating.) It is unlikely that you will find use for your brakes while crossing bridges, but if you should find need to do so, make sure to LOCK ‘EM UP, pressing the brake pedal firmly to the floorboard as quickly and with as much force as possible.

Overpasses are much more fun for moron drivers, as they have a tendency to curve and swing about much like the tail of a contented cat. They also have the added attraction of altitude, which sometimes makes a moron driver feel as though they are soaring through the air in an airplane! Oh, the joy! However, since overpasses tend to begin low and rise quite rapidly, make sure to accelerate well in advance and then slam on your brakes just prior to entering the overpass…this is one time when you want to slow down and enjoy the ride. Once you are established on the overpass, follow an alternating process of speeding up and slowing down so that you neither impede upon the enjoyment/progress of other drivers, nor end the pleasant experience too quickly. The stop and go technique is also believed to provide morons with better traction, which is handy on those sharp curves. As you near the bottom of the overpass, keep in mind that, while the ride may be over for you, it’s just beginning for other drivers behind you. You should probably slam your brake pedal to remind them to utilize the stop and go technique, as well. So, out of courtesy, go ahead and LOCK ‘EM UP one last time.

Should you find yourself rubbing bumpers with the guardrail, don’t fret. It’s there to protect you from falling. Feel free to slide along any guardrails you encounter along your travels, employing them much like training wheels, whenever necessary. Should you tire from one guardrail, jerk your steering wheel sharply in the opposite direction and move to the other side. This enables drivers to enjoy these protective barriers without wearing one out faster than the other. You can rest assured that your local Departments of Transportation appreciate your courtesy in proper guardrail usage.


Conclusion

Now that you have been thoroughly instructed on moron driver safety during winter weather conditions, you should be fully prepared to hit the road hard. Should you come across any encounters not previously mentioned in this course, or should you forget these lengthy lessons, here is a quick and simple way to remember how to handle any situation: GUN IT - AND LOCK ‘EM UP. This technique is sure to help anyone, regardless of experience level, master the Moron Method of Driving.


Moron School of Driving graduates, be sure to check back with us soon for our next lesson on driving on wet and/or flooded roads. This lesson will be available this spring.

You Probably Think This Post is About You...

(File under "Installment No. 3")

I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but it did. Let there be no mistake on that...it DID happen. Now, as to whether or not it happened suddenly -- a sort of wake up and there it is kind of thing -- or whether a slow progression...that is debatable. But, let us all rest assured IT DID HAPPEN.

"What happened?" you ask?

I'll tell you.

The entire world has lost its collective mind.

Now, I don't mean that statement to be taken lightly. This is no jest .... oh no, indeed. I assure you that I am entirely serious and sober on this one, if not also a little enraged. Something has transpired over an indeterminable amount of time that has changed the very core of humanity, itself (if it can even still be addressed by that title).

Take for example the increased number of wreckless drivers on the road. They have begun to multiply like roaches. People jetting along at well over 80 mph, swerving in and out of busy traffic, cutting off other motorists and, more often than not, nearly clipping a bumper or two in the process. If you haven't noticed the recent rise in such incidents, then you need to pull your head out of your ass, get off your f---ing cell phone, and start actually watching the road. (And if that last sentence applies to you, you're a dimwit.)

Have people lost track of just how deadly such dangerous traffic pursuits can be? Or are they so self-enamored and unconscious of the needs of anyone other than their own selfish selves that they simply cannot value safety and the lives of other human beings? Chances are, I don't care why.... why doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that the same selfish prick who nearly clipped my front bumper yesterday while playing "car tag" with another out of control speeder is soon going to learn just how painful momentum can be. At 80 to 90 mph on a busy freeway, there really won't be a need to call an ambulance if you slam that overpriced "five star safety rating" vehicle into another....call the fricking coroner and tell him to bring a garbage bag and a shovel.

Hey, Speed Racer, I don't give a shit if your life is so worthless that you don't mind dying on the highway, but I'd rather that you end your miserable existence in the privacy of your own home with a shotgun where you can keep me the hell out of it. You hate life? Fine. Don't take it out on me. And DON'T...I repeat...DON'T EVER put the life of myself or anyone I love on the line because you feel the "need for speed". Because, Mario Andretti Wannabe, I can promise you this right now: if your wrecklessness ever brings harm to anyone I care about, you'd better die upon impact, because if you don't, you're definitely going to wish you had.

Furthermore, for those of you with overpriced luxury cars who think that your time is so much more important than everyone else's to the point that you can drive on the shoulders, cut people off, fail to yield when signs instruct you to do so, break traffic rules, speed, and generally fuck up the commute of everyone else on the road....KISS OFF, A--HOLES! I don't care who you are or how f---ing much money you paid for your car....you're still nobody. You're not even worth the over-inflated price tag of your vehicle. Driving a [insert obnoxious vanity brand here] does not make you better than anyone else, so quit acting under the assumption that you "own" the road. Oh, and to the obnoxious older woman in the Benz who broke at least for traffic laws just to get five spaces ahead at the light on the access road for Main St. in Grapevine, that means YOU! You suck! If I were a cop I would have impounded your car for that wreckless act of driving treachery. AND I would have revoked your license indefinitely. I don't care where you were going NOR how late the accident [caused by another careless jackass in a hurry, no doubt] on 121 may have made you, your time is still NOT more valuable than anyone else's.

Of course, I'd have sat on my horn to tell you just what I thought of your (again) wreckless act of driving treachery, but chances are there's someone else on the road who'd likely shoot me. Drivers are getting more and more dangerous, and by that I mean they're arming themselves to the teeth. Are people really so out of control that they will (again) end someone's life over a traffic incident? Give me a f---ing break!!! That's not only ridiculous, it's inexcusable. Every life has value, granted some lowlife rotten evil-hearted worthless twisted warts (e.g. Charles Carl Roberts IV) may be unfit to co-exist in society with other people -- any people, actually. But that doesn't mean he should be shot in the head for cutting someone off or honking his horn at a stop sign. (Granted some people may consider cases like Mr. Roberts' debatable...and I won't delve into that discussion here.)

School shootings, while we're on the subject. Again, Mr. Roberts, what the hell was going on there? NOBODY saw this coming? NOBODY had a damned CLUE that he was on the verge of breaking? COME ON! I've seen less bullshit while standing smack-dab in the middle of a manure factory. Acquaintances stated he was troubled. End of story. Anyone close to him who did nothing to get him to a safe location where he could not harm anyone is guilty of negligence and should be considered an accessory to the crime. As for WHY he did what he did....I don't care. I don't want to understand anyone who could commit such a deranged act, especially one that was so obviously premeditated. There IS no LOGIC to it, people! Therefore, you simply CANNOT make sense of it. Quit trying to understand the motive behind the crime. I don't care WHY killers kill. When this society quits making excuses for criminals and the acts they commit, chances are our justice system will be a lot more effective.

I don't regret that we no longer have a chance to study Roberts' mind to figure out what drove him to this point. Neither do I regret that he will never see his own children again. I only regret that Roberts wasn't put down by a police gun squad before he had a chance to harm those innocent girls.

And for those of you out there who may be screaming "foul" or "hypocrisy".... SCREW YOU. It's because of YOUR bleeding hearts that crimes like these aren't punished to the fullest extent. Likely you weren't held enough by your parents as a child. Or maybe you had one too many ass beatings and it's left you mentally or emotionally scarred. Once again, I don't care. But crimes should be punished. And I guaran-frickin'-tee that if Charles Carl Roberts had survived his self-inflicted injuries, there'd be a long line of you anti-corporal punishment morons picketing for his rights to be understood as a "victim". You people make me sick. Showing greater support for criminals than for the real victims. Someday you'll all learn. Oh yes. And we'll see then whose rights you're scribbling up signs and banners for, now won't we?

I could go on and on, but the point is to say merely that we (as humans all inhabiting this tiny blue planet) are on the verge of catastrophe. We are nearing the point of no return, and if something is not done to turn the tide soon, then [to quote the Phantom of Music] "disaster beyond your imagination will occur."

There is far too much aggression in this world and, unfortunately, it is perhaps the most contagious disease we face. Anger spreads faster than wildfire and it is tearing our world apart. It's almost the perfect model for a conspiracy theorist: Infiltrators seek to destroy country from within by turning its own people against each other. Sounds eerily possible, hmm? Regardless, I fear that everyone is and will continue to be touched by this disease. This epidemic that has already spun out of control.

Perhaps we all need to go back to a more archaic mode of thinking and remind ourselves daily:

The world is changing for the worse. I refuse to let it change me, as well.

Start with yourself and make changes to be:

- less selfish
- less aggressive
- less hateful
- less jealous
- less petty
- less ignorant
- less unaware
- less vain

Otherwise, the world is already lost to us.

Taking Sides....

There are at least two sides to everything....

For example:

A coin has both a heads side and a tails side.

A teeter-totter has an upside and a downside.

A piece of fabric has a right side and a wrong side.

(The same goes for a political debate.)

A nail file has a smooth side and a rough side.

Underwear has a front side and a back side.

The force has a dark side and a light side.

A battery has a positive side and a negative side.

A Mini Wheat has a frosted side and a plain side.



When you put all that together you get....


....well....nothing really.

Installment No. 2 (My Thoughts on Mountains)

You know, I've most certainly never had anything against mountains. Really. It's true. I find them fascinating geological features that are simultaneously awe-inspiring and thought-provoking, noting that they often disclose clues to just how the world as we know it came into being. I love them more than key lime pie and roller skates. Blanket them with snow and I love them even more...raking them right up there with the old-fashioned Elmer's Paste that used to come in a jar with the little plastic dipstick applicator. Mountains rock (no pun intended, heh heh). And now that we've established my basic feelings on these enormous landmark features, let me state the following: If you want mountains, head on over to Colorado or the Appalachians, because I sure am damn tired of seeing them around here.

What is this, you say? Have I finally truly gone off the deep end? Am I so far off the beaten path now that even the bread crumb trail I left behind has been consumed by crows? HA! Hardly the case. Feel free to read on for clarification...

As you all well know, I live in Texas...DFW to be exact. And as any local can tell you, there aren't supposed to be mountains here. In fact, there aren't supposed to be ANY geological features that would be considered as more than simple molehills. There may be a few notably deep creek beds and some pretty impressive terrain [hills and elevations] around some of the (man-made) lakes that dapple the area map, but I can assure you, without any lack of certainty, that there aren't supposed to be any damned mountains 'round here. Call up Dr. Breyer, my old Intro to Geology Professor and he can confirm these statements.

So where are these mountains of which I speak, you ask? Heh, they're everywhere. Just recently, I was befuddled by a situation in which a few persons with whom I have an acquaintance pointed to one of the local molehills and declared, "Why, thar be a mountain!" Believe it. It's true. And the ruckus created by this statement ended up wasting countless hours contacting the local Land Management organization to have said molehill measured, surveyed, documented, rated, and ultimately proclaimed as, indeed, nothing but a molehill. Countless hours wasted. Time and effort which could have been spent doing something a) necessary, b) more entertaining, c) pointless but fun. But NO-O-O-O. Instead said time was spent with the geologic survey team disproving a statement made both in haste and heat of passion.

So...What can we learn from this? That mountains are great. I love 'em to pieces. But in order to prevent detracting from the awe-inspiring beauty and grandeur of true mountains, let's not race about, pointing our fingers and shouting, making mountains out of molehills, when everyone knows better. If ya wanna see mountains, baby, get your John-Denver-lovin'-Aspenglow-mountain-mama-ass to Colorado, West Virginia, or the Great Smokey Mts. in Kentucky. I've got maps, should you need direction.

Thank you.

Installment No. 1

I've noticed a few things since my last post so very long ago. Should you desire to offer me your patience, I would gladly share these simple observations with you, my cherished reader and friend, [your name here].

First off, on the topic of blogging. It's not a way of life, people. Nor is it a religion, path to enlightenment, treatment for the overly mundane....neither is it a way to achieve super cool-dom. It's a web log. Dammit. And that's all. So, those of you who gallivant here and there, bragging about your BLOG and converting this new addition to the English vocabulary into verb conjugations every which way but loose...GET A LIFE! It's a web log. An outlet for those who wish to inform/rant/entertain/keep in touch. Blog ownership does not a cool dude make. The ability to inform/rant/entertain/ad nauseum, however, DOES. As is true with most aspects of our waking world, it's the contents--not the packaging--that makes something fabulous. (Those of you spending a small/large fortune on cosmetic surgery take note.) So, if you think that you're hip or cool just because you have a blog, you might want to consider moving out of your parents' house (you thirty-something freeloaders), getting your own job, and using that money to buy yourselves a clue.

That having been said, what's the deal with advertisement messages being left on blogs now? Here's a message to all those whacked out morons who use blog message space to advertise to otherwise disinterested individuals:

If I was interested in your cheap, lame-ass, boring as hell, scam-you-and-leave-you-broke websites, I'd have already looked them up. The fact that I haven't should automatically inform you that I'd be more interested in sewing up the holes in my old athletic socks while watching re-runs of Laverne and Shirley than checking out your pathetic, advertised websites. Quit wasting my time and energy posting your "I read your blog and found it inquisitive*...You might like my website as well...please click here to view my website..." responses to my posts. INQUISITIVE?!?! What the hell? Does that fool even know what the f**k that word means? Given the context and usage, I daresay he does NOT. Honestly, if you're going to try to con me into viewing your porn-related, virus-infected, identity-theft-motivated website...at least get a fricking education first! JEEZ! At least that way I might feel tempted to nibble on the bait left behind by an intellectual wizard who wants to rip me off or offend me. Got it people?

[sigh]

All that ranting is a bit taxing, really. But I'm hardly finished. (Those of you who haven't eaten recently, you might want to take a break and grab some chips or something to keep up your strength. This could take a while.)

Gas prices. They're out of control. And I'm fed up. So here's a message to all the fat-cat gas company CEO's: If you want us all to switch over to electric cars, just keep jacking up the gas prices, assholes. Better yet, I'm just going to quit driving altogether. How about I start up my own scam website (I can get some tips from the turds who posted replies to my blogs), grow my own vegetables, and raise chickens in the yard so that I never have to leave my home again. No more driving....and that means no more of my money in your already over-stuffed pockets. WAKE UP! You're screwing up the economy!!! Here's a simple, cost-effective solution: We, the consumer, grab the gas company CEOs by their balls (literally) and squeeze until their eyes tear up. When they beg for relief, we tell them the following: "Doesn't feel good, does it? Neither does three dollars a gallon! Drop the prices and we'll both feel better."

...This appears as though it is going to take a while, so I've made an executive decision to break it down into installments. Consider this edition "Installment no. 1" and look for future installments to come. (Kind of gives you something to look forward to, now doesn't it? Kind of like paying taxes or getting an enema.) In all honesty, I've decided to break it up for several reasons.

1) I've got a lot to say. It's been a while. So long, in fact, that it took me several tries to recall my access information just to log in and post this horrific message. Installments will give me the encouragement I need to get back into the swing of updating this monstrosity on a regular basis.

2) Nothing sucks more than endless ramblings that go on and on and on....without a break. Plus, installments are a great method for increasing reader anticipation. "Oooh, I wonder what's coming up. Egad! The anticipation is killing me!" You get the point.

3) I actually have a life. And I need to get back to it, rather than slouching over my laptop. (I suggest you do the same, by the way. Get out and soak up some sunlight, you pale, soft, expressionless, fishbelly-complected blog-reader. Go ahead. It'll be good for you.)

Katrina

Now, I'm not the most innately attuned person when it comes to media and current events. The news upsets me and therefore I tend not to watch it if I can possibly avoid it. I was aware of the hurricane coming ashore. I was aware that it had totally devastated southern Louisiana. I was NOT, however, aware that it would touch me personally (although common sense should have told me otherwise).

I work in a public assistance program that grants food assistance and nutritional education to needy families. Now and then I am granted an opportunity to truly make a difference in the lives of others, but for the most part it is a job. It's work. Yet, on August 31st, that all changed.

As flood victims from southern Louisiana made their exodus into Texas, many of them opted to head north of Houston to the Dallas/Fort Worth area. And, but by the grace of God, many of them ended up in my office. None of us saw it coming. Our supervisors were literally stunned when we contacted them, asking what the protocol was to be for serving the needs of these suddenly uprooted people who lost everything they owned to floodwaters. They quickly became a priority and we did everything we could to accommodate them quickly and with as much compassion as possible. (And for the record, I've never been prouder of my coworkers than during this period.)

There is no way to sit with the victims from New Orleans and Baton Rouge and listen to them relate their personal accounts of survival and struggle without being moved emotionally. Typically my job is to assess people's nutritional needs and educate them in the most time-efficient manner possible, but sometimes a person's greatest need is not to be made aware of the nutritional benefits of fruits and vegetables as part of a healthy diet. Sometimes they just need to be heard. And so that's what I did. I listened. I set my forms and paperwork aside, leaned forward in my chair, and lent a compassionate ear as they at last had a chance to recount their overwhelming experiences with another human being.

In the past few days, I listened to a mother lament that everything she had struggled to provide for her family was lost in a heartbeat. I listened to a couple vent their frustrations over how little help they received from Mississippi and Arkansas before finally arriving here in Texas. I listened as another couple mourned the news they recently heard that their suburb on the outskirts of New Orleans would never be rebuilt. And then there was the father of two small children.....whose tale touched my heart so deeply that I actually had an emotional breakdown after he left.

He said, "You see things like this happen on TV and it's always somewhere else. Like it's not real, you know." I agreed. Who wouldn't? And he continued, "But when I jumped down in that cold water from the roof of my house, it was very real." He'd spent hours trying to get in touch with his wife, leaving her several messages on her cell phone and praying that she would call him back and let him know that she and their two children were alright and where he could find them. Frightened and frustrated, he was moved to action. Certain that she would have taken the kids and fled to her mother's house, he was determined to search for them there. Five miles away. And all five miles were underwater. "I jumped in the water and started swimming because I didn't know what else to do. A couple of times I was hugging trees to keep from being swept away...the water was moving so fast. I swam two and a half miles before I saw some guys in a boat, and I begged them. I told them, 'Please! I gotta find my wife and kids!' And they turned their boat around and took me the rest of the way to my mother-in-law's house."
He was obviously overwhelmed as he relived the events. I was overwhelmed listening to him. But by the grace of God was he sitting in my office and sharing this account with me, and I don't think I've ever been more moved by the words of another. Nor have I ever been more grateful that I have the opportunity to help people. I took this job for exactly that reason -- to help people. To be there in their time of need. And what he needed at that time was to be heard. I'll never forget him. Nor his two beautiful daughters, whose faces haunt my memory every now and then when I least expect it. God bless them all.

I'm proud of the efforts my home state of Texas has undergone to accommodate the needs of Katrina's many victims. In fact, I've never been prouder. Several former Louisianans informed me that they intended to settle down here in their new home state, due mainly to the degree to which we have offered friendly, helpful hands. And I'm glad they're here. And to our neighbors who continue to flee the devastation in southern Louisiana in search of help, I say, "Welcome to Texas. Come on over. We're here for you."

Fill'er Up!

Have you ever really listened to a conversation between two people? I mean REALLY listened to them? If you have, then I would imagine you’ve heard what I tend to refer to as “conversation fillers”. These would likely be best described as inane, random responses generated by one or more parties in a conversation to either fill up dead air space or indicate that the interested parties are, in fact, listening but unable to think of appropriate responses to what they’ve just heard. Many of the more common “fillers” include such phrases as:

“Really? How interesting.”
“You don’t say.”
“How about that?”
“The hell you say!”
“Well, there ya go.”
“I done seen it all.”
“I tell you what.”

(Those last two fillers are most commonly used among us redneck folk, they are. Ayuh. I tell you what.)

I use them all the time.

In fact, I use them so often that someone (probably the only person who truly bothers to listen to my excessive ramblings, god bless him) thought to point this out to me. I was astounded. Mind you, it was not that said fact was brought to my attention that left me bewildered, but that this revelation carried indisputable truth. Heavy, man, that’s really heavy. And then I wondered: Am I the only person who does this? So I took it upon myself (as I’m prone to do) to determine just how often “fillers” are applied to everyday conversations.

Here’s what I learned:

Everyone does it. Some do it more than others. Some manage to do so with dignity, while others cast decorum aside, leaving it (decorum) to drift and bob aimlessly like so much flotsam on the sea. Astounding, isn’t it?

This recent epiphany led me to make a decision for the benefit of all mankind -- or at least those who are in need of original, cunning, and skillful responses to ensure that those with whom they are engaged in insightful conversation might be assured that their statements have not gone unattended. I have devised a list of simple, easy to use phrases that can be inserted into a conversation whenever the following occur: a) you‘re too sleep deprived to follow what‘s being said [applicable to most conversations with your boss], b) you‘re too shnockered to respond clearly [useful when returning to work after a lunchtime drinking binge], or c) what you just heard shocked the hell out of you and your brain has shut down completely [very handy when you‘ve just been fired for reason “b“]. So far I've come up with the following:

1) Has anyone seen my keys?
2) Great! Now say that again backwards!
3) My cat likes Swanson’s chicken broth.
4) I wonder what Santa would have to say about that...
5) Fascinating, Jim. Spock, what do you think about that?
6) Someone must have spiked the punchbowl.
7) Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.
8) Just your name, rank, and serial number, please.
9) Oooooh-eeeeee-ooh-ah-ah-ding-dang-walla-walla-bing-bang.
10) You don't say. No, really. Don’t say it at all.

Use them at will. And, just for shits and giggles, let me know how things turn out...

Diggity Dank!

“Language is a virus from outer space.” —William S. Burroughs

The English language is dead. That’s right, people…you heard me: English as we once knew it has kicked the bucket. Right now as you read this, the language we all used to grumble about studying as children is pushing up daisies and feeding worms. Why, you may ask? Because we, the people, have killed it.

Ah, ‘tis but with a sense of remorse that I fondly recall the days of yore when noble were our tongues and lofty was our daily verbiage. The spoken word raised us up from morbid sacks of water and clay, heavy of brow and dragging our knuckles across the ground, to creatures of enlightenment and insight. And who would have thought that we would regress back to our most humble beginnings in such a short time? Not I.

The memorable and lyrical compositions of such literary masters as Walt Whitman and Edgar Allen Poe (…Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”) have recently been replaced with such nonsensical babble as: "I jammed the roscoe in his button and said, 'Close your yap, bo, or I squirt metal.'" (I would reference this quote if I knew the original source, but I rather fear that the author in question would fare far better if he remained anonymous.) In short, the crap that drips from our tongues, pens, and keyboards is naught but a shabby collection of nonsense and monosyllabic goo. And it’s a wonder that anyone can make sense of anything we say.

Take, for example, the phrase: shit a cold, purple Twinkie. What the hell does that mean? Guesses, anyone? Well, according to the Online Slang Dictionary (which you can happily peruse at this site: http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~wrader/slang/index.html), it means “to react with extreme or irrational distress or composure”. I would have never figured it out on my own. Thank god for the internet! Or how about the phrase: get crunk with someone. Ghastly, isn’t it? I shiver. Apparently it means to approach someone in a hostile manner, yet I daresay that the phrase, alone, is enough to send me running in the opposite direction. And should someone carrying a gatt in their grape smugglers get crunk with you, you’re in some pretty deep shit. In fact, you might even lay cable right then and there. Man, that’s really kumfumbled, isn’t it?

I don’t suppose there’s much hope for the resurrection of our language as it was spoken so long ago. And there’s hardly any point in me getting my bitch on about it, as I’m much more prone to marinate instead of napalming my opinions on the rest of society. Not to mention that I’d only come off looking like a wazzock. Perhaps I’m just going off the deep end about nothing and need more distractions in my life. Maybe I’ll just race off to the packie to stock up on enough junkst to make me talk to Ralph on the big white telephone. Or I just might get spun, go bogart some jacks and take off on a wild spree to get my boo some new bling-bling. Better yet, I rather imagine I could just insituate myself in a bumping sausage party and get my swerve on with a couple of diesels. Now that would be diggity dank, if you ask me!

Rules to Live By: A Baker's Dozen

The following is a brief compilation of thirteen lessons, or observations if you will, that I have discovered (often the hard way, mind you) during my ever so brief journeys through this world of ours. Perhaps you may benefit from them, find them vaguely amusing, or merely consider them fodder to further the argument that I, indeed, am suitable to be committed. (And by that I mean given permanent residence in the room with the fluffy, padded walls.)


1) Corsets are remarkably uncomfortable items of wardrobe, yet they seem to provide handy places for the storage of small items (i.e. a lighter, a five dollar bill, a phone number scratched on a scrap of paper, a hair clip, etc.).

2) Avoid drinking excessive quantities of wine on an empty stomach. Or after large quantities of soda. It's just not pretty. You may laugh about it later, but it's still not pretty.

3) When the phone company says they are going to cut-off your service because you haven’t paid your phone bill in a couple of months….they actually mean it. (Really. They’re not kidding. Trust me on this one.)

4) Never let people know just how much you really know. That way, when you do something well, they’ll be pleasantly surprised.

5) Patience is a virtue…..as is silence.

6) Don’t ever try to outsmart kids. They’re smarter than we are. They’ll figure you out every time.

7) If you’re going to give your cat a pill, make sure to wear some sort of protective clothing on your hands and arms. I highly recommend a good pair of industrial rubber gloves. They’re strong AND durable.

8) Humor at the expense of others is okay, provided that they never really get the joke in the first place.

9) Don’t try to fix your computer unless you really know what you’re doing, because in the long run you’ll only manage to screw things up more and then have to ask someone who actually knows a thing or two about computers to fix it.

10) Cops have no sense of humor. (Actually some do, but most of them don’t….so don’t try. It’ll only make things worse.)

11) Comfortable shoes. Comfortable shoes. Comfortable shoes.

12) Chocolate covered espresso beans are NOT candy. Eating too many of them will mess you up.

13) Never threaten your boss with offers from other employers who would a) compensate you better for your work, b) more value your input, or c) recognize you for the industrious wonder that you truly are…unless you already have your next job lined up. (I’ve never tried this personally, but I’ve heard some morbidly funny stories…)